How to focus on the best parts in all of the madness

It’s been a week and a half! Last time I checked it was Monday morning and I was laying flat on my back, hospital which believe me is not anywhere near as exciting as it sounds. I had a rather lovely bout of vertigo which resulted in lots of song lyrics with the words ‘spin’ and ‘spinning’ in them being thrown at me. There are more than you’d realise actually. Still, I donned my supermummy cape, doled out some garbled instructions to the Mr about school and nursery drop offs and managed to dial into a few work calls whilst lying out flat before the meds kicked in and I could stand without feeling like I was on a merry go round.

Somewhere between then and now I managed to do a great job on prep for a meeting I wasn’t really feeling all warm and glowy about. I attended an insightful and engaging conference about the commerciality of diversity and inclusion in the workplace and heard an inspirational presentation from Claire Strange, Coach of the GB women’s wheelchair basketball team about personal resilience. I put in a great show at earlier mentioned meeting, lunched with a good friend, read up on the event details for the Focused Womens’ Annual Conference I’m attending on Monday, started reading a book called May Cause Miracles (I’m becoming something of a self help junkie these days) had a follow up appointment with a superb Occupational Therapist (remember my anxiety post?) and ticked off somewhere in the region of 80% of the things on my work to do list.

It’s felt good.

But the best parts?

Watching the princess swimming backstroke with her goggles too far down her head making her little ears flop over at the tips. Swinging in tandem on the garden swing in the sunshine laughing into each others faces and wondering how on earth we created such a beautiful little being. Colouring in every single page of the monsters’ ‘Thats not my….animal’ colour book and naming each animal on the merits of its physical attributes – Cat = Paws, Tiger = Stripes, Horse = Mane and Fish = Mr Big Moustache…. because he had a tail like a big moustache obviously. Dressing the little man up as a Tiger for his ‘dress as your favourite animal day’ and watching the delight on his face as he checked himself out in the mirror. Seeing the princess gleefully skip out of Rainbow Guides with the tatty but much loved knitted dolly Sally who was coming to stay at ours for the week. Sharing a bacon muffin and smoothie with the monster and musing together over how lovely the ladies who’d taken a shine to my handsome little fella in the jewellers were. Driving to school with the roof down all singing at the tops of our voices and giggling manically at the odd looks passers by were giving us.

And now, I’m flopped on the sofa with my third glass of proseco, watching Sarah Jessica Parker in ‘I Don’t Know How She Does It’ on DVD show me her version of how it’s done, texting one of my besties, blogging, and thinking as I do every day just how exhausted, but bloody lucky, I am.

What beautiful things have you loved in amongst all of the madness this week?

Well there you go

I’ve spent seven days staring at my sparkly shellac manicure on my sun lounger in Spain whilst sipping sangria and deciding exactly what in my life needs to change on my return to a less than sunsoaked Scotland. You know the way you do on holiday.

So far on my list I have ‘buy a new shower curtain, viagra sales get an orchid for the windowsill in the bathroom’ and ‘start eating quinoa.’  That’s it. This year I’m not sure if I’ve made a subconscious choice not to embark on a mammoth life change post holidays or if I’m purposefully avoiding the Big Stuff.

My usual sun lounger plans tend to involve fabulous diets which result in next years beach body being hotter than hot, thumb  keep fit regimes which do the same, taking up a new hobby which expands my thinking, social life or bank balance  or some other mad cap plan that’ll be a flash in the pan within a month of my return. But this year I approached holidays with a slightly different mindset.

One Saturday waaaaayyyy back in April I woke up next to Super Daddy who was snoring in that comforting way that he does, I could hear the kids giggling in one or other of their bedrooms signalling that even at this early hour they had started their day with gusto.  Whilst closing my eyes and dozing would have been my preferable option, or mooching downstairs and bringing a hot cup of tea back to bed , I felt, well, odd.

My stomach was churning – proper washing machine spin cycle stuff, and I felt scared, nervy, edgy and uncertain. I mulled over whether I’d had a bad dream that had shaken me, but nothing I could recall. I quickly ran through our plans for the weekend in my mind to see if something was triggering this feeling. Again, no, all the usual lovely weekend plans with friends and family lay ahead. My stomach ploughed through its washine washing spin cycle. I felt sick, uncertain and worried. And it hasn’t stopped feeling like that since.

I look back over the last 12 weeks still wondering what happened. Several doctors visits, lots of illogical thinking and starting each day with a gut wrenching whirl of uncertainty, fear and worry, it transpires I’m trying to manage Generalised Anxiety Disorder. Oh. My. GAD. It’s awful. And apparently it’s really common. One in three people feel like this on a regular basis.

I don’t know where to start in writing about it,  or if indeed I will write anymore at all on the matter, but anyone who has checked in on Super Mummy now and again will see that for some time, I’ve simply not been writing at all.

I’ve been selective in who I’ve told (until now), this feeling being so at odds with the person that others think I am. The person I think I am. Always in control, got it all together, how does she do it?

I’ve consulted various books, friends, websites, leaflets, spoken to people who’ve been there themselves, some I knew had, others I just discovered, and yes, it is very common.  I have constantly looked for the ‘trigger’; initially I thought I’d found it, delighted that I was back in control, I thought I was better. Then it turns out, no. It crept up again, or rather just hit me out of the blue like a truck. How I got through that particular day I do not know. But I did.

So for this week, buying my orchid and shower curtain and eating quinoa is about as big as it gets, and thats just fine with me.

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